The More Things Change...

I find it interesting how in two years, a lot can change, but a lot can stay the same, too. Reading my past posts there are a lot of things that are unbelievably different. Most obviously, my location. If you had asked me two years ago where I would be living in 2013, I would have told you "Fort Collins! Where else?" But here I am, in Tacoma, Washington. And the differences don't just stop there. We own a house. Similar question; would I have thought we would own a house in 2013? The answer would have been an emphatic "No way!" Here are a few more...Micaiah is in a regular, non-charter public school; Serafina attends a private Christian school; we have three chickens...the list goes on.

Many things, however, remain the same. Most often, it seems the thing that doesn't change is me. I still struggle with the same issues I have always struggled with. Body image. Self esteem. Self worth. Finding friends. Geez, am I still in middle school, or what? Fortunately, there is something else that never changes. It's God. God will never change. God will never stop loving me. Whether I am in Fort Collins or Tacoma, He loves me. If I feel fat or thin, He loves me. If I don't think anyone likes me, guess what? He still loves me. And yes, I still struggle with believing that. A LOT. Not so much in my head, but in my heart. I KNOW He loves me. I believe it to be Truth. Do I always feel that way? No. But that does not change the fact that it is the Truth. Truth is Truth whether you believe it or not.

Maybe someday my heart will actually get in line with my head, and truly, fully understand how much He loves me. Enough to send Jesus to die on the cross for me. But until that day, that Truth is what I am going to continue to believe to be the truth...the only Truth worth believing. His love is something I am glad will never change.

Convicted...

Today's sermon was about how we need to follow Jesus instead of ourselves or anyone else. One example given was about how this rice farmer guy's paddy kept being drained overnight because his neighbor was stealing water from him to water his own paddy. What he ended up doing was probably pretty much was Jesus would have done...he made sure his neighbor's paddy was watered first, then filled his own. Basically thinking about others' needs before our own. Not a new concept to anyone, I am sure. But it sure hit me right where it counts. These past at least 6 months I have been thinking more and more about how living at Dad's affects me, annoys me, frustrates me, etc. etc. Instead of thinking about how I can serve Dad, how I can make life easier here for him. We have invaded HIS home. We have taken over HIS space. What can I do to make things easier for him? That should be the question I ask myself EVERY SINGLE DAY. And the only way that will EVER happen is through prayer. Clearly I have not brought this to God, because perhaps if I had I would not be where I am now. It just always seemed a silly thing to worry about, to pray about. But it has gotten to a not-so-silly point, a point to where I feel trapped like an animal in my own home sometimes.

But maybe that's how Dad feels, too.

Shrinky Dinks...Terrible Name, Great Craft!

I went over to my friend Becky's house the other day, and she and her sister and all their kids were busy doing Shrinky Dinks. I remember when I was a kid, one year I got glow-in-the-dark Shrinky Dinks for my birthday. They were AWESOME. Now, as a mom who HATES (that might be too gentle a word for it) messy craft projects unless I am the one making the mess, they are even MORE awesome. There is pretty much no mess involved with Shrinky Dinks, and it turns out even I can make cool things with them as well. I had no idea what I was going to make, but I ended up making a pretty fabulous pair of earrings out of said Shrinky Dinks. Aside from the no-mess factor, the other cool thing about them is that they are mostly transparent. If you make one that you like, you can easily trace it onto the other one to make a matching pair. I have now made four pair of really sweet earrings, and am looking forward to making many more. This may turn out to be the best craft discovery of all time for me. Thank you, Becky, for reintroducing me to Shrinky Dinks. Terrible name, great craft. Woot woot!

Early Late 30s...also known as 37.

So my birthday is coming up in less than a week. I will officially be in my early late 30s, meaning 37 years old. A week or so ago someone was shocked to hear that I was a day older than 23. It's funny, I suppose it depends on who you are around. One time while picking up Penelope at preschool this year, one of her friends said, "Are you her grandmother?" That was a good day. Mulled that one around in my head for quite some time. Or just how OLD I feel sometimes. I have a freaking 11.5 year old son. Wasn't I just 11.5 years old? What did I like to do when I was 11.5? Hmmm. 11.5. That was 6th grade. Sixth grade. What a mess. I had like no friends, the boys basketball team referred to me as "Bull" because of the way I played, I didn't have a boyfriend. Awesome. Right now let's take a look at my life. Unemployed, two kids, living with my father-in-law. Hardly any friends. Doesn't look like a whole lot has changed.

Well, my favourite dessert has changed. I now like Key Lime Pie as my birthday treat. I also require medication to sleep at night. I wonder if I will eventually require medication to wake up. So far that has not been a problem.

I think I should go to bed. Ambien will see to it that I forget I blogged and that you should remind me by commenting tomorrow. Thanks in advance!

Some Things Never Change

no one cares that i write on here, but that's ok. it was fun to go back and read what i had written.

2010 is almost over. seriously? when did that happen? i don't even know where to begin. i think the last time i wrote on here was maybe last thanksgiving, which is almost a year ago. gwennie was just like 9 or 10 months old, and she is standing here right now being super cute and trying to mess with the mac. we just watched two little bears, fina is at the dentist getting her filling re-filled, and this afternoon we are meeting with yet another of micaiah's teachers to try and figure something out. looking at the title of my blog i see how accurate it is...i am pretty much always on the edge of a nervous breakdown. i don't think i will ever have one because i would feel guilty about it, but man, i have seriously considered it. like really, i have been in bed thinking i am not ever going to get up. i am staying here forever. no one can make me get up. but then i start thinking of all the things that need to be done, all the things that won't get done if i don't do them, how will it make my kids feel, blahblahblah. one might say i have a bit of a God complex. "the whole world will fall apart without me, everyone needs me, no one does anything right so i'd better do it..." yes, that is generally how i feel. believe me, i would love to not feel this way. and perhaps i just need to choose to not feel this way. i have read, and am re-reading, a book called "telling yourself the truth." interesting book. much of the time i tell myself lies, like the one i just listed above. and many others. one of the things you are supposed to do is list all the "misbeliefs" you tell yourself. man, that list would be pretty much endless. shall i begin, or perhaps that should be it's own blog.

not that anyone will read this, but looking back it will be interesting, i suppose.

back to school

so this morning the kids went back to school for the year. have to say i am a little sad, didn't cry or anything like that but it marks the end of an era. for the next 9 years the two of them will be heading off to ridgeview for the whole day. don't want to think about ten years from now...that means college and all sorts of other stuff! although caiah has decided already that he does not plan on going to college - we'll see. i am not going to make him but i am hoping after spending his entire K-12 life at ridgeview he will WANT to go to college.

should be cleaning my kitchen floor right now while i have the chance, gwen is sleeping and p is at preschool. still have an hour and a half till i have to leave to get her, should be able to get it done.

it's been a while...

not even sure how long it's been. marie inspired me to post because of her ever-so-clever john and marie plus three blog. i think she is my only follower. even joe doesn't follow my blog.

so i am not even sure what to blog about. summer is mostly over...looking forward to school starting in some ways and not in others. routine is good...and it's something i desperately need but cannot seem to have unless it is forced upon me. which is why school is good. summer and christmas break are very chaotic for me, and my family suffers for it. i mean, of course i enjoy not having to wake up at the crack of dawn to get the kids ready for school, but when i DO get up early, i end up accomplishing so much. if i didn't have penelope and gwen during the school year, i would like to think i would be able to keep my house somewhat tidy. but i am probably just dillusional.

kinda quit my mall job the other day...i will still work like one shift a month so i am still on payroll, but couldn't see myself working on the one day off that joe and i share. or racing off to the mall after watching p and gwen for 8 hours. but once a month i think i can do it, and over christmas break and next summer for sure. that way i still get my two pair a month at half off!!