more on bottoms falling out

wow, i really have to force myself not to start with the word "so." anyhow...as i was loading the washer with nasty socks earlier, i started thinking about how i have been interacting with people i meet at church. i feel like i am a little too aware of my image these days. not necessarily how i look; it's more of how i come across, what i say, if i am witty, etc. it's a bit of a 180 from before, at our last church, because i don't think i worried too much about those things. perhaps that was a mistake, perhaps it was not. i am not sure. i am just afraid of becoming overly concerned, and perhaps not completely being myself. i am going to have to ask Jesus to help me with that, because knowing that i am human i could see it becoming a problem. after experiencing the doubts and questions that i have over the past 8 months, i suppose it's not all that unusual that i am feeling this way. but once again it's not something i want to become a part of who i am. it would seem that i am trying to protect my family against the bottom falling out...like i have any control over that sort of thing. if God wants us elsewhere, that's where i want to be. if something happens that is a result of other people making bad choices, God can use that to His advantage. and no matter what, i still have Jesus which is really and truly all i need.

bars are amusing

last night i was at a little show at a bar here in town, road 34. the first band was amusing; they had a banjo. any band with a banjo is amusing for that fact alone. add to it a guy with a floppy hat, dreads, overalls, and bare feet. he also played the washboard. that makes for good fun. then, throw in there a drunk guy who comes up to me and says, "nice to see you again!"as he slid his arm around me. i said, "i've never met you." he replies, "i know. my name is andrew." i started laughing really hard...i just couldn't help it. he asks me my name, and i am still laughing at this point. finally i tell him my name, and then mention the fact that i am married and have been for 11 years. he proceeds to ask me, using various expletives and slurred words, how i stayed married so long. i told him the best advice i could ever give him...stop trying to meet girls in bars. he then repeatedly told me how great that advice was, once again using choice words. even if the guy was drunk, i suppose i should be a little flattered. that makes up for the fruit aisle incindent at king soopers.

also, it was very fun watching the drunk people dancing. they really are rather comic. but at the same time i got a little sad, thinking how most of these people are just trying to fill the void with alcohol and sex. it also reminded me of where i was 13-14 years ago, which also made me really grateful for where i am now.

crazy busy life

i swear, can this month get any nuttier? a billion birthdays, field trips, retreats, conferences...honestly, i just don't think it can. it's all good, fun stuff, but my house is reflecting the fruits of a busy schedule! digging through the laundry for a not-too-dirty pair of pants for the kids for school, handwashing underwear so i have at least one clean pair for the next day. and i admit, i gave in and turned the heat on. and now i am starting to get a cold...just what i need right now. oh well...that's life! and it is good...very good. regardless of how crazy my life gets, i am so thankful for everything, even the insanity. i apologize that my blogs have been lacking in depth, but i really just don't feel like i have had the time to think deep thoughts.

the water fast

joe and i have decided to only drink water at home (as opposed to soda, beer, etc.). if we visit a friend's house and they offer us something else, then that is ok. but at home, water. or tea (which i already have many boxes of). or milk (which is probably cheating because i never drink milk until now). while i know water is extremely good for my body, the fact that i have no choice about it is making me INSANE. i guess i do have a choice, but i don't like it. ugh. a nice, ice-cold, bubbly glass of diet coke sounds absolutely fabulous at the moment. an ice-cold bottle of 1554 or corona with lots of lime...that sounds even better. i'd take a glass of bubbly water with lime in it for crying out loud! even without the lime!

this sucks.

kids

it would appear i like starting every journal/blog entry with the word "so". i am going to try and keep an eye on that for your sake so it doesn't get annoying.

joe's sister recently started having foster children again. i have decided to look into this for a couple of reasons. number one, it's providing a really great service to those kids, and i know i am a better option than many others out there. two, it would appease my desire for another baby, at least for a while. three, it would be extra tax-free income.

of course i would have to discuss this with p's parents and whatnot; this is still very much in the "maybe" stage of things. but i think it sounds like a great opportunity to do a number of good things all at the same time. i didn't think that cliche about birds and stones sounded very nice in regards to this topic. how about "eating two hershey's kisses in one bite"? doesn't have the same ring to it, although it sounds like a really good idea (with a big glass of milk).

crispety crunchety...but not butterfinger.

so i was looking up at the ridiculously clear blue sky and really just enjoying the gorgeous weather. the trees are obviously not as beautiful as new hampshire's, but every now and then you see a surprisingly red or orange tree amidst the yellow aspen and the green of the pine and unchanged trees. the nights are cool and perfect for sleeping, the days are sunny and sweet with an airy breeze. i absolutely love the sound of the leaves, for some reason i just don't hear it as much in summer...i suppose it has something to do with the crispness of pretty much everything. crispy leaves, crisp temperatures in the morning and evening, crisp apples (although you can't go apple picking out here unless you know someone with an apple tree). i also love the smell of a wood-burning stove...there is something crisp about that smell, but i can't put my finger on it. its also a very comforting, homey smell. when i take my morning walks with p (and sometimes fina) its fun to walk along the edge of where the sidewalk meets the street and crunch along in the fallen leaves.

maybe not so old

well, it would seem that monthly female friend might have something to do with my fatigue this morning...it was a lovely surprise, i tell you. i always seem to have the "i've been dragged behind a mack truck" feeling every month when she shows up, and lately i have been lax about keeping track of when she's coming, so she has been an unwelcome surprise. i made a note of her arrival on the calendar and a little note of when she might return so perhaps i won't be caught off guard next time. this is one of those lovely months when she comes twice.

i guess it's better than finding out i was pregnant...

i guess.

more on getting old

i used to be able to stay up all hours of the night and get up in the morning and go to work. like till 3am and get up at 7 and be just fine. and not just being up that late...being up that late and partying. last night i stayed up till 12 and got up at 7 and i am feeling trashed. all i did was watch tv...and ate a brownie with a glass of milk. that saying "youth is wasted on the young" is totally true. i wish i had the life i have now with the body i had then. speaking of brownies and milk...i think i will have the last one right now. someone has to eat it, right?

chocolate is a good thing.

more on moderation...

moderation went out the window tonight. we went to fazoli's and i was a good girl and got a salad...but who cares if you get a salad and diet coke if you stuff your face with seven (yes, seven) breadsticks (which, of course, are all loaded with about a gallon of melted butter)? it was fabulous, i admit it. and then i came home and had two delicious ooey gooey brownies and milk. yum. moderation is for the dogs. or maybe the rabbits? birds? who wants to eat like a bird? not me. at least not ALL of the time. every now and then it is fun to indulge, right?

right.

even if the bottom DOES fall out

so i have been a bit guarded as of late, due to events that have occurred over the last eight or nine months. guarded is not a word i would have used to describe myself prior to now. when it comes to people, when it comes to joe's job, i sort of am expecting everything to go to crap. well, maybe expecting isn't the right word...i guess i am holding my breath, so to speak; and if it does, i won't be surprised. now, i understand that this is not very faithful of me. if i truly trusted God, then it wouldn't matter. it wouldn't matter if joe lost his job. it wouldn't matter if every person i know failed me miserably. it wouldn't matter if my house burned to the ground. because even if all this stuff happens, which of course don't want to happen, God is still in control. as long as i have Jesus, even if everyone and everything i love is taken from me, i will be ok. which is really hard to remember sometimes.

ok, most of the time...so feel free to remind me.

so you know you're old when...

so i'm in king soopers, getting a sample of fruit with fina. suddenly a college-age guy behind me says, "how long do you think this would last?", referring to the pre-cut fresh fruit he had in his hand. i was surprised, and i guess, i am embarrassed to say, i maybe thought (Lord knows why) he was flirting with me. i feel ridiculous just typing it. so i told him what i thought, and he proceeded to say "i thought it would be a good idea to ask a mom."

wow.

i'm old.

forgiveness

so i looked up forgiveness and it said "the act of forgiving." so i clicked on forgiving and it said "willing or able to forgive." so i clicked on forgive and it said this:

1 a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b: to grant relief from payment of 2: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon

not very poetic, considering what an amazing thing forgiveness is. when i think about how God forgives us, and how often i fail to forgive others, it's pretty upsetting. i once heard a more poetic way of describing forgiveness, kind of cheesy but it gives a better visual and emotes a little more.

forgiveness is the fragrance the flower leaves on the heel of the one who has stepped on it.

like i said...kind of cheesy. but the heart of it is wonderful. the idea of regardless of how much a person may hurt you, leaving them with something beautiful like forgiveness is amazing. even in the small and seemingly mundane things like the kids driving me crazy or doing something you KNOW they know they aren't supposed to. no one deserves to be forgiven; that's what's so cool about it. every day i do a million things that require forgiveness from joe, my mom, my kids, and always, Jesus. they are under no obligation to give it to me, but because of Love, they choose to offer me forgiveness. forgiveness is impossible without Love. i am beginning to realize more and more how all things good are tied into Love.

who i believe God to be

so while writing my last blog, i mentioned God a few times. this blog is to clarify who i believe God to be, since there are so many ideas floating around out there. the God i have a relationship with is the God who sent Jesus, his son, to die for us loser humans who can't seem to get it together. which, of course, He knew when He created us. He knew we would screw up royally and turn our backs on Him, and He still created us anyway. honestly, that frustrates me sometimes, but as a mom i can also totally understand it. if i didn't understand i should never have had kids. because kids mess up, kids say mean things to you, kids don't understand/appreciate what you do for them, kids throw up on you, kids break things. just like all us humans do to God. and yet i chose to have my wonderful, beautiful, amazing children regardless of knowing what they are capable of. some might say that there is a difference, since until you have your own children you never REALLY know what you are getting into/what they are capable of. knowing what i know now, about my children, i wouldn't change a thing. but God knew. He knew, and still chose to create us.

that, to me, is Love.

Love never gives up. Love cares for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut. Doesn't have a swelled head. Doesn't force itself on others. Isn't always "me first." Doesn't fly off the handle. Doesn't keep score of the sins of others. Doesn't revel when others grovel. Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth. Puts up with anything. Trusts God always. Always looks for the best. Never looks back, but keeps going to the end. LOVE NEVER DIES.

1Corinthians 12:4-7ish, The Message

and it says somewhere in the Bible that God is Love, so i guess all these things apply to Him. i have been coming to the conclusion that Love is what it is all about; everything that matters in this life and the next. and we who believe in this loving God need to be asking Him to show us how to love like He does. i don't think we will ever get it right in this lifetime, but if He is helping us and we are truly trusting Him, so many more people would be running to God. because really, that is what we all are searching for in this life-Love. it's not about living forever, having eternal life. that's just icing. our ultimate goal should be Jesus, i.e. Love. because that is the only thing that can fill the empty spaces we all have, whether we admit to them or not. to feel truly loved for who you are, no matter how messed up, pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, smelly, hairy, etc. has got to be the most amazing feeling. and i don't believe it can be experienced in this life, even from God. not because He's doing it wrong...He loves us that way, but our own sin prevents us from truly believing it. our sin prevents us from allowing His love to be who we are. but that's not going to stop me from letting Him love me!

moderation and mirages

moderation is just not something i am good at. when i eat something, i pretty much have to force myself to not totally pig out on it. but it is easier with food than with alcohol. food doesn't give me a false sense of well-being like alcohol, which makes it more difficult to turn down/know "when to say when". i want to keep that lovely mirage in place, the one that tells me that i am smart, i am pretty, i am funny, people do like me. there are several problems with this.

1: first and foremost, i am finding my worth in things other than God. not good.

2: if i keep the mirage going, that is to say, keep drinking, eventually i will not remember later
what it was i said/did. this is always a concern. drinking also tends to loosen the tongue, and when one cannot remember what aforementioned loose tongue said, it is not a good thing.

3. what appears to be a good idea whilst in the mirage, is usually not.

so the fact that i want to create a mirage for myself tells me a few things. one of them being that when i add up all the things that make up carolyn vasiliauskas, i don't like what i come up with. i do believe God has brought me a LONG way from back in high school and college, however. but that is not saying much, i don't think. i wish i could be TOTALLY honest on here, the fact that i am discussing my alcohol issues is a big deal, but there are other things i don't wish to talk about that will have to remain between me and God.

it's getting better all the time

today, much better than yesterday. i suppose i should not compare days, i should just try to enjoy each day for what it is, good and bad. p is still not quite herself, she totally stonewalled me on lunch today. spit out the soup, refused the ramen and peas, would only eat applesauce. pretty sure a steady diet of applesauce will give you nothing but trouble. serafina is supposed to be going to a friend's house in a bit, but as she woke up at 6am for no apparent reason (and multiple times during the night) she might not make it. and poor micaiah has two cub scout meetings today, a den and a pack meeting. someone didn't plan that out too well. i just hope he has time to finish his homework! i am meeting with micaiah's teacher this afternoon, hoping to figure out a way to help him concentrate in school. he is very easily distracted and unfortunately i was very much the same in elementary school. that boy is just too much like me! on a more fun note, his birthday is coming up soon and plans are looking good. indiana jones theme with costumes (due to the fact that we don't do halloween...see future posts regarding why, if you care), sleepover, should be lots of fun. i made the invites last night and i must admit they are pretty cool. those were the fun days of kinko's; making things like that. didn't get to do it too terribly often, but it was fun when i got the chance. i should be blogging much more coming up as we just got internet...yes, i know...finally out of the stone age. we used a unsecure signal prior to this, but it was hit or miss and very unreliable. it will be nice to have. we can watch some of our shows now online, like psych and burn notice. i digress.

so, as i was saying earlier, i am asking God to help me be content in whatever is going on. i have been reading 1Peter 3:8-11 and it has some seemingly obvious yet difficult to execute advice on how to have a good day. i prefer my scripture from The Message, i know some people don't even count that as scripture but i do compare it to other translations. i have been spoken to most clearly by God when reading The Message.

"Be agreeable. Be sympathetic. Be loving. Be compassionate. Be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless. That's your job, to bless. Whoever wants to see the day fill up with good, here's what you do: Say nothing evil or hurtful; snub evil and cultivate good. Run after peace for all you're worth."

1Peter 3:8-11

sounds simple enough, right? well, after being awake less than five minutes i am sure i screw up most of those things. i am not what you would call a morning person, never have been, sure would like to be. i mean, i can get up and out and be there on time, you just might not like me very much when i get there. and that seems to be the case no matter how much sleep i get.

something very sweet just happened...lisa sent me flowers. Lord, please help her to figure out what you want her to do...she can't keep going on as she has been. and you know what, neither can i.

one of those days

when i woke up this morning i had every intention of the day starting off pleasantly. the day, however, did not have the same idea. i am happy to say it ended on a good note; my sweet fina went to bed nicely, and studying with micaiah went extremely well. geography is a wonderful thing. its funny when your almost-nine-year-old knows more world geography than you do...funny but beautiful. looking back on this morning the milk spilled really wasn't a big deal (yes, there was crying over spilled milk going on), the unfinished kindergarten homework can be done tomorrow, and the crabby patty of a penelope is so much easier to deal with than most normal people. i got a reminder of perspective today, too. keeping things in perspective is helpful when it seems you are having a bad day. i found out about someone whose husband left her and their four children, and it really made me almost glad about all the silly "bad" things that happened to me today. i hope, no pray, that fina spilling milk on the couch is one of the worst things that happens to me. even if it happens every five minutes.

"Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."

Philippians 4:10-13ish, The Message